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Posts tagged ‘relationship’

Shed Some Weight: Toxic Friends

Let go of dead weight.

Last week we spent some good time looking at our primary relationship and having a heart-to-heart with ourselves as to whether or not our primary relationship was really working for the future we want.

While we’re cleaning house, what other relationships are weighing you down? A lot of the same rules apply when assessing any meaningful relationship, the ultimate question being: does it contribute or contaminate??

To give our primary relationship – and our lives in general, a fighting chance to blossom, let’s consider pulling a few toxic weeds. Here’s an article from IVillage that I found amusing- and useful, in taking a close look at who you might want to turf out and significantly lighten your life:

Time To Break Up: 20 Toxic People to Kick Out of Your Life — Stat!  

Toxic Friends

We all have one or two “friends” who drag us down instead of make us better. If you have someone in your life who’s taking more than they’re giving, it might be time to go your separate ways.

The Office Gossip
Sometimes, it’s nice to take a break in your day to hear the scoop on who’s ass-kissing who and who’s getting the pink slip. But is the office gossip stopping by your desk way too often?Gossips
“The office gossip can be a very destructive force, even if it seems just peripheral; and any interaction with this person calls your own integrity into question in the eyes of your superiors and co-workers,” says Karen Hylen, Ph.D, primary therapist at Summit Malibu Treatment Center. “Engaging the gossip on any level, reinforces a workplace house-of-cards, where perceptions are hugely distorted. Without this type of person in your life, you can focus your energy on your role and make your own assessments of what affects your performance and growth.” It’s deceiving how powerfully this toxicity clings to us outside of the workplace, even when we don’t think we are giving it much merit – beware!

The Ex who Calls for Sex
Sure, it’s nice to have a sex buddy on speed dial, but is their presence in your life adding or taking away value?
“Keeping an ex in your life purely for sexual reasons is essentially building up a barrier to your own happiness,” says Hylen. “By cutting this person out of your life, you can move past old feelings and emotional attachments and in turn open your heart and mind to new experiences and relationships.”

The Sad Sack
You don’t really like them, but you get together out of guilt. The truth is, that’s not good for them or yourself.
“People experience emotions on a very visceral level, taking in their surroundings and feeding off others’ energy,” says Hylen. “It’s more effective emotionally for you to have people in your life who exude positive energy, rather than those who can drain you of the vital life energy you need to maintain your own quality of life.”
The painful truth: You have to give the Sad Sack some space and find friends that are on your level.

Put a ring on itThe Date “On the Fence”
He says he loves spending time with you but he won’t put a ring on it — or even let you leave a toothbrush at his place! She commits to plans only in the n-th hour – when it seems nothing better has come along.  It’s time to tell yourself that you’re worth being “the one” — if not to them, then someone else.
“Being with someone who won’t commit to you on any level or take you seriously as a human being can result in low self-esteem and depressive thoughts or behaviors,” says Hylen. “You are better off being with someone who does not deny you those emotions, which are critical to overall mental health and well-being.”
(SNL version of Beyoncé’s video “Put a Ring on It”, above, is a hoot! – yes, that’s Justin Timberlake! See the entire sketch here: Justin Timberlake parodies Beyoncé. Don’t overlook Zach Galifianakis shaking his booty in the backgroundOMG!!!)

The Pitier
There’s always that sibling, cousin or aunt who is forever trying to fix your life. They mean well, but seriously… buzz off! “A pitying relative who tries to help you in various areas of your life can lead to a belief that you are not self-reliant or independent,” says Hylen. “Not having this person in your life will allow you to make your own mistakes and be accountable for them so you don’t repeat them in the future.”

The Half-Assed Friend
They forget to return calls for months, don’t acknowledge your special occasions and is generally MIA. When you do make plans, they’re always rescheduling at the last minute or showing up super late. “You should dump this ‘friend’ because they do not respect your time or your life,” says Jessica Leroy, psychotherapist and founder of Center for the Psychology of Women. “You need to spend that time with those who do appreciate you as a friend and who are interested in your life.” The verdict: Time to move on to someone who has friendship to give.

The Frenemy
They’re your friend, but also your arch enemy. How is this fun? “People deserve friendships in which they support each other’s triumphs as opposed to bringing each other down,” says LeRoy. “Some people who are a bit more insecure may believe that they deserve this type of friendship, or that this is normal behavior. In reality, supporting each other makes us feel much better about ourselves and our friends.”

The “Old Friend”nothing in common
Maybe it’s a friend from high school or a different time in your life, but if all you have to talk about is the past, it can get old pretty quick. “It’s great to have friends from your past, but if that is all you have to connect on, you’re not moving forward with your lives or making new memories,” says LeRoy. “Live in the present and spend time with people you would like to make new memories with.” The next time they call to make plans take a pass and spend the time with someone in your present -tense!

The Schemer
From asking you to help spy on an ex to involving you in get-rich-quick schemes, they’re always trying to make you an accomplice to shady plans. You might want to spend your time with someone who has more lofty goals and aspirations! “What are you really gaining from this friendship?” asks LeRoy. “It sounds like this person only wants a sidekick who will take the fall with them. You have better things to do with your time.”

The Bad Influence
Sometimes a bad influence can be fun, but this person just brings out the worst in you — from bad eating habits to low-self esteem. “When you only have one thing in common with a friend, and that one thing is not very healthy, it’s time to ask yourself: Is that how I want to be spending my time?” says LeRoy. “Why not spend time with people who you can indulge with occasionally but you also connect with on other levels?” Next time you befriend someone ask yourself: Does this person raise me up or bring me down?

The Hot Mess

Hot mess, where wonderful meets terrible. The type of show you can’t decide is incredibly disgusting, unbelieveable and embarassing or
if it’s plain genius.

Hot MessYou’re always scraping this friend off the floor — literally and figuratively. A night out with them is full of surprises — in a bad way. “If you’re the one always bailing your friend out of difficult situations then you’re the one dealing with the hot mess, not them,” says Barbara Neitlich, L.C.S.W., a Beverly Hills psychotherapist. “Once you release this type of friend out of your life, you will truly recognize how this individual often drew the mental (and sometimes) physical life right out of you.” Remember, you can’t fix friends’ lives until they’re ready to help themselves.

Your Gazillion Facebook Friends
If you’re spending all your time on the computer, chances are you’re missing out on real life. “Shut off the computer, get off the couch and jump into this game we call life,” says Neitlich. “You are better off having a few true friends that you can confide in rather than a bunch of Facebook friends you barely know. Your true friends will stand by you when you really need them. Your Facebook friends may simply log out!” Facebook is a fun pastime, just be sure not to let those online friends take the place of real life ones.

The Broke Buddy
Whether it’s a friend always asking you to spot her at dinner (and never paying you back) or a relative who expects you to pay for his life, remember you are a person and not an ATM. “Get rid of those who don’t pay their way,” says Neitlich. “In time you end up building resentment for always having to be the one to pay. Cutting the cord with these folks allows you to stand your ground as someone who is savvy and mindful of her money!” Think of all the things you can do with that extra cash once you get this person out of your life!

The Office Husband/Wifey
One or both of you are married but you have a pretty serious flirtation going on. “Set boundaries,” says Neitlich. “Stop engaging in the playful banter. You’re better off moving away from this type of temptation, as it almost always ends in disaster.” Even if you swear you’ll never act on your feelings, it’s better not to go there in the first place!

judgemental twats

The Snob
They make you feel bad about your clothes, your car and your staycation. Friends don’t let friends feel like less-thans! “When you consistently allow someone to make you feel badly about yourself, you turn a great deal of mental power over to them,” says Neitlich. “Most of us are pretty critical of ourselves. Do we really need a ‘friend’ who is so critical of us?”

They wish they had your looks, your relationship, your adorable children…your life. Um, creepy. “This person is a time bomb waiting to go off because they can only take so much envying over what you have,” says Carole Lieberman, MD, a Beverly Hills psychiatrist and award-winning author. “They will change from sucking-up to stealing your cool stuff…or even your partner.”

The Judge Judy
They give unsolicited advice even though you’ve politely asked them to stop. There’s no reason to continue being held in contempt of their court. “Too much time spent in their company will make you doubt every decision you’ve made,” says Dr. Lieberman. “They want to give you a life sentence of insecurity without parole.” Find a friend who’s cool with letting you make your own choices — even if they disagrees with them.

The Bitter Bob/Betty
Everything is negative in their life and spending time with them makes you feel like life sucks. “Bitter people are bad for your health,” says Lieberman. “If you want negativity in your life, you can read the headlines and do away with them.” Life’s too short for this type of attitude. It’s time to break up!

Did they just say that?The Backhander
They give you compliments that somehow also take you down a notch. How do they do that?! “This so-called friend is passive-aggressive and not to be trusted,” says Lieberman. “They’ll smile while they’re twisting the knife in deeper.” The next time they give you a backhanded compliment, show them to your front door.

The Competitor
Whether it’s who took the nicer vacation or who has better parenting skills, they’re always trying to one up you. “It’s exhausting to try to be friends with The Competitor — and not really worth it,” says Lieberman. “They’re just using you to try to feel better about her poor, pathetic self.”

Seek out friends who support you and you’ll be a whole lot happier in all aspects of your life.


Friends reflect you.


Relationship Choices: Get Real or Get Out?

Purge.YIKES!!  What do you do if you’re in a relationship and you really can’t decide if you should leave it or not?!? It’s gut wrenching: is it a case of intuition – simply recognizing that you want and need more from a partner… or is it a badass case of “the grass is always greener” syndrome? Truth is, I think you really do know.

There are times to grow within a relationship and times to cut loose: you need to dedicate time to focus on this – and of course, mentors are a perfect and safe sounding board to help keep bad behaviour patterns in check during this vulnerable time.  We can enter relationships from a place of health, or with immature ideals, but either way, change occurs – and we have the skills and the desire to go with it or we don’t.  Can you see potential within your relationship for more or different communication; do you have a joint vision; do you know your partner’s needs; do you REALLY know your own needs – and your fears? In my experience, the “grass is greener” thing is most often a sign that you have more self-discovery to do: face it, your needs are either being met or they’re not. What are your dealbreakers?? (Refer back to the postings on  wanting a primary partnership, are we ready, and choosing a partner.)

This is not a one-size-fits-all subject, although I caution you NOT to think your relationship is all that “unique” – that’s where you can get messed up and waste waaayyyy too much time, as in a lot of human nature issues. There really is a universality in human relationships and the more you can relate to and trust this, the more simply your path is revealed. You don’t need to figure out males/females, or your partner – just you. Then speak your truth.

Live for you.Rather than doing several weeks of blogs on this subject, here are five links to articles with slightly differing perspectives on evaluating relationships to get you thinking. Also following: two of my favorite videos re: common couples issues raised in my mentoring sessions.

And just for a little variety and provocation, I’ve also included a “reader” question on The Daily Love blog recently, asking “should I stay in my marriage” and peer-answered by some very wise people, including me! Ask yourself, what would you tell the reader? (Better yet – write the reader: it just may be a letter to yourself!)

Note: the following information: it is based predominantly on situations not involving young children. It is all very transferrable information in any scenario, however, there will be additional considerations when children are involved.

Articles 11 signs You Need To Leave Your Relationship; this is the most all-encompassing – read this one if you only read one! 20 Signs Your Relationship is Going Nowhere Fast (Sorry); more relevant to relationships rather than marriage Love Is Not Enough for a Healthy Marriage; Emotional & Life Skills Necessary for a Healthy Marriage When Is It Time To Leave The Relationship; from more clinical perspective “”; scenarios from 5 couples faced with making the decision to stay in their relationship or not



Next: Question from TDL Reader: Should I Leave? (page 2)

Kiss Relationship Myths Goodbye

We’ve decided we want a primary partnership in our life, we are ready, we have some solid direction about choosing a partner.  Even with this fabulous new understanding of ourselves, old societal conditioning and limiting beliefs can still mess us up as we’re forging our healthier new relationships (or equally, as we evaluate leaving a current relationship: coming in next post!) Best to have these ideas fresh in our mind, so that when archaic thinking rears, we can immediately recognize it as such – and dismiss it.

Before we go on, let’s get the whole issue of whether or not you believe in soulmates out of the way: bluntly, I DON’T CARE! The word “soulmate” is truly very innocuous, but somehow it has Soulmates. Real?become a true or false debate, and in my opinion, you’d only debate the issue if you don’t know yourself very well; otherwise, you’d have a clear understanding of how relationships factor in your life and vocabulary wouldn’t mean a damn thing!!  The word soulmate is just kind of a handy term to indicate those bearing deeper resonance in your being, as opposed to terms like “significant other” – which let’s face it, doesn’t make someone sound very significant at all! There’s no inference here that you can’t have more than one soulmate, or that they won’t change roles in your life as you grow.  For the purposes of this article:

A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity more rare and unique than that of other relationships.
– Collins English Dictionary

Simple and generic as you can get. Now, onto an opinion by Dr. Phil regarding “relationships myths” to steer clear of, as per an O Magazine posting:

Ten Relationship Myths

If you are still romantically connected to someone who is not a soul mate, it’s important to discern when one particular relationship has run its course. Most of us know, but sometimes it is hard to let go. It is difficult to let go of a relationship that offers soul pathcompanionship, sex, fun, or financial security. But when you want a true soul mate, holding on to a relationship that only imitates love keeps us from the very thing we say we desire. Even the difficult aspects of romantic evolution can be considered “time served” in preparation for true love. Many of us get our best training in relationship boot camp. We may beat ourselves up for bad marriages, relationships, and dates–any time that seems wasted on Ms. or Mr. Wrong–but in truth, they are an important, instructive part of the journey. The grand awakening to what soul mate love is comes by discovering firsthand what it is not.

The quality of a relationship depends on how well it meets the needs of those involved. -Dr. Phil

Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren’t following certain “rules” or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.


  • You will never see things through your partner’s eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
  • You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
  • Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you’re with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.


  • Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don’t kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.romance fairytale2
  • Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
  • Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.


  • Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can’t be happy if you can’t resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
  • There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can’t you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
  • You can simply agree to disagree and reach “emotional closure” even though you haven’t reached closure on the issue.

You'll love it


There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don’t share common interests and activities.

If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don’t do it!


  • Don’t be afraid to argue because you think it’s a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
  • If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
  • Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:
    • Don’t abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
    • Don’t seek conflict because it’s stimulating.
    • Don’t pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
    • Don’t avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.


  • Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something outRelationships ebb and flow in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can’t forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
  • Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we’re letting loose often don’t represent how we really feel and shouldn’t be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.


  • The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
  • Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the “importance scale” if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the “importance scale.”
  • Don’t restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.


  • Nobody’s perfect. As long as your partner’s quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
  • Instead of focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn’t mainstream, doesn’t mean that it’s toxic to the relationship.
  • Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.


  • Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive “right way” to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
  • Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
  • Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner’s expressions of love. There is no “right way” for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn’t make those feelings less genuine or of less value.


  • Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
  • Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
  • If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.

Appreciate the relationships that have taught you what you don’t want. Honor those loves. Express gratitude for the lessons you have learned, even the toughest ones. Send a spiritual message to your old flame saying,

“I thank you, I bless you, I release you”

… and sayonara baby!

Ever Asked Yourself Why You Want a Relationship?

awareness jung
Last week’s featured article was a another hint about being conscious in your life. “Is It Love… or Comfort” prompted us to view relationships as containers for growth.  We begin relationships at whatever growth level we happen to be in when we meet, and then — we change.  Change is the way of the world, so inevitably in our relationships, we have a choice: we can grow together or we can grow apart. A significant number of couples do not consciously make this choice.

Our social and familial conditioning often contains an autopilot that dictates partners, marriage, children as an endgame. Advocates of conscious living, myself included, view these as lovely, fulfilling choices – IF you so choose, but certainly not an endgame. Particularly, the old message of relationships often includes an element of another person being the completion of one’s life and love, as opposed to a complement to your own self-love and fulfilling “be-ing” – – which is in essence, the generator of your ability to share love in the first place.  Awareness of one’s self is pretty key to a lot of outcomes, and the following article and video by renowned relationship expert Margaret Paul explores a very fundamental view of this:

If you are a person who
wants to be in a relationship,relationship water flame

have you thought about why?

Actually, in my research and years of relationship counselling there are two very different reasons for wanting a relationship. The first is about what you want to get, and the second is about what you want to learn and share.

Wanting a Relationship in Order to: Get

If you ask people why they want a relationship, many will say things like:

  • I want someone to love me and make me feel special and worthy.
  • I don’t want to be alone and lonely anymore.
  • I want to have children.
  • I want to feel safe and secure.

What they might not say outright is that they want a relationship to:

  • Fill the empty place within them.
  • Complete them. They hope that their partner will give them what they are not giving to themselves and what they might not have received as children.
  • Make them feel taken care of emotionally, financially and/or sexually.

You might be thinking, “Right! Aren’t these the reasons everyone wants a relationship? Why be in a relationship if not to be loved, cherished, made to feel special, safe and secure? What’s the point of a relationship if not to fill me, take away my loneliness and make me feel okay about myself?”

There really is another reason for wanting to be in a relationship.

Wanting a Relationship in Order to: Heal, Learn and Share Love

The other reason for being in a relationship stems from the fact that relationships are the most fertile ground for learning about what is unhealed in us, and for having an arena to heal. Most of us have baggage from childhood that we carry into our primary relationship — such as fears of rejection and fears of engulfment. These fears generally get played out with a partner, which offers us an incredible opportunity to learn about and heal them. Relationship can be the Ph.D. of personal growth!

being the real you takes courageLearning about your fears of intimacy, as well as about control issues that may surface with a primary partner, can lead to much personal growth — enhancing your ability to love. The more you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings — learning to love yourself, cherish yourself, make yourself feel special and valued — the more you may want a relationship in order to share your love rather than to get love. Contrary to what many believe, it’s not the getting of love that takes away loneliness, but the sharing of love.

The most profound and beautiful experience in life is the sharing of love. But we can’t share our love unless we are filled with love. When we learn to fill ourselves with love from our “Source” — whatever that is for each person, such as nature, spirit, God, the energy of the universe — then we come to our partner with inner fullness rather than with inner emptiness. Rather than needing a partner to complete us, we desire to share our completeness with our partner.

When two people come together to get love rather than to learn, heal and share love, there is a strong possibility that their relationship won’t last. With both partners trying to get loved and filled by the other, and neither one having learned to love and fill themselves, each will ultimately be disappointed. Very often, one or both might believe they’ve picked the wrong partner.

When two people come together because they want to learn together, grow together, heal together, share their time and companionship, and share their love and passion, they have a good chance of creating a lasting, loving relationship.

When these people are asked why they want a relationship, they say:

  • I have a lot of love to give and I want to share it with a partner, who also has a lot of love to give. Possibly, we might want to have children with whom to also share our love.
  • I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to learn and grow.
  • I want to share time, companionship, lovemaking, laughter and play with someone with whom I feel deeply connected.

If you tune inside and honestly ask yourself why you want a relationship, and you find yourself on the first list rather than on the second, do not despair. You can learn how to love yourself and fill yourself with love so that you have plenty of love to share with a partner.

It’s important to realize that we attract people:we are one when we are two

at our common level of health — which is the level of taking personal responsibility for our happiness and wellbeing — OR

at our common level of self-abandonment — which includes making someone else responsible for our feelings.

Given this reality, you have a far better chance of creating a healthy and loving relationship with a partner when you have a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. There are many more wonderful videos on youtube.

Daily Love… or Comfort?


Following is a recent post from The Daily Love blog, which is one of the few blogs that I have signed up for and then actually kept following!! The Guest authors on this site are fabulous and founder Mastin Kipp is a pretty insightful, inspiring and hip guy!  I highly encourage you to check this blog out (particularly if you are just beginning your self-awareness journey): .

This snippet is a taste of Mastin’s wisdom, preceded by a fitting quote – which are offered daily to set the tone for the TDL blog.  More importantly, this is insight into how Mastin lives: life is too short, and simply too precious- – and FUN to live inauthentically.  In his own words:

“F-ING DITCH PLAN B!!!  Go ALL IN on Plan A!
Plan B is an f-ing distraction from your dreams!!!”

Also, find 25 minutes to watch the video below the article – you won’t be disappointed.  It’s proof that there is a sincere movement to shift consciousness to live more authentic lives, how Mastin’s efforts are a part of that, and how a strong, LOVING relationship is not only healthy – but just really cool!
(Disclaimer: video is uncut – unedited version of the above quote is included!)


Is this Relationship About Love…
or Comfort?

Comfy or worn out?“You must constantly ask yourself these questions:

Who am I around?

What are they doing to me?

What have they got me reading?

What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming?

Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”
Jim Rohn

Many of my clients come to me because they are in a relationship crisis. Most of my clients are women, and some of them, when they are in a relationship crisis, feel as if they have done something wrong. Their partner is telling them that they don’t recognize the person they are in a relationship with. At first, before we go a little deeper, some of my clients feel as if they are the bad guy.

Imagine who you could be.

But – upon further investigation, we see that the cause of the relationship crisis is that my client is choosing to grow and their partner is choosing to stay the same. I say it so often, but I say it because I feel like I want this to be one of the main mantra’s TDL provides you – relationships are containers for growth; just because relationships end doesn’t mean they were a failure if you learn the lesson that the relationship was meant to teach you. I repeat, RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONTAINERS FOR GROWTH!

So what happens is that we meet our partner at a certain level of growth and we are with them, we change, we evolve, we grow and at some point, we have a choice – we can grow together or we can grow apart. Most couples do not consciously make this choice. Most couples “slide” into this place and all of a sudden a relationship crisis blooms. And then wedead end roses ask ourselves the famous lyrics from The Clash, “Should I stay or should I go?”

This is a tough question to answer. And there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, either. But what I can say is, ask yourself these questions if you are considering leaving a relationship – “Is this relationship serving my empowerment?” and “Am I serving the empowerment of my partner?”

The answer to these two questions, if you are REALLY honest, will get you far. Oh and here is one more: “Am I in this relationship for LOVE or for comfort?” A lot of people stay in relationships that don’t serve their empowerment because it’s comfortable. But, as we have learned (and preach) at TDL, choosing the comfortable path isn’t always what’s best for us and it’s rarely what our SOUL is calling us to do. Our SOUL is calling us out toward adventure to learn, to risk, to dare and to find a relationship where we bond over our power rather than just our wounds.

How's that workin' for ya?Of course we must Love each other, and that includes each other’s dark side. BUT – can you see how bonding over your wounds, over your fears creates a certain type of relationship? You have wounds in common. This is called woundology.

When you focus on and bond over your wounds you are playing small IF you support each other in staying wounded. Can you see the conflict that comes when people bond over their wounds, support each other in staying wounded and then all of a sudden one person wants to grow? All of a sudden the relationship dynamic isn’t the same. One person is growing, no longer the victim, taking responsibility for their life – and the other person is still stuck in the pain of their wounds.

This is what creates many relationship crises. So, if you are in this place either in a personal or professional way – ask yourself:

“Was this relationship created because we bonded over and supported each others wounds? Did we support each other to stay wounded?”

“Is this relationship now serving my empowerment?”

“Am I serving my partner’s empowerment?”

If you were TOTALLY honest with yourself, what would you say? And knowing this, what would you DO?

A few affirmations for you:

What's it gonna be?I attract relationships and business partnerships that serve my empowerment.

I am worthy of being happy, simply because I exist.

I celebrate taking steps towards my empowerment and let go of what no longer fits.



Mastin and partner Jenna give us some insight into who exactly brings The Daily Love into our lives, and what their personal relationship has both contributed and gained from this project of self-awareness and conscious living. Enjoy!
UPDATE: awww, they pulled the public access to the video – it was so good!


Mastin Kipp is the founder of – a website, daily email and twitter account that serves soulful inspiration to a new generation.  Started as a feed of quotes sent to Mastin’s friends, The Daily Love shot to fame after a tweet from Kim Kardashian. And a love monster was born.

Hosting Mastin on her weekly show Super Soul Sunday, Oprah dubbed him an “up and coming thought leader of the next generation of spiritual thinkers.”  Both an honor, and a mouthful.Mastin’s mission is to connect people back to what makes them happy. Happy people make better choices, and better choices make for a better planet.

His book, Float: An Achiever’s Guide to Happiness, is due out from Hay House in February 2014.

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