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Posts tagged ‘toxic friend’

Elimination Diet

This article’s theme area:
SELF WORK

Stalled by deadweight?
WHAT you eliminate
is worth it’s weight…

We’re a month into the new year… how are those resolutions coming along?? Well, if you’re among the majority, you made some kind of declaration for the new year and are still “preparing to get started”… if you haven’t abandoned the idea altogether! If it’s a repeat resolution, what’s changed between the past and the present to make it likelier to succeed this time ‘round? If it’s a new endeavour: what strategy have you put in place to make it achievable… and IS IT actually achievable in the timeframe you envision?? It’s so cliché but daunting – both making it hard to find the motivation.

Me, I don’t make resolutions at New Years any more. There’s no magical date to get started on a goal other than the day I think of it. Not to say that’s a recipe for guaranteed success, however, it takes away the mindset that I have a whole year to ignore any responsibility for my own inaction (for something big enough to be on a resolutions list, go figure!). Barring a change of mind, if my life priorities aren’t on today’s to-do list, something is critically wrong. My calendar now becomes a huge, wonderful map before me with all kinds of opportunity to plot mini-successes; no longer a fast-creeping, pressure-filled timeline toward one big failure.

My January acquisition of a daytimer does have me sitting down to make some resolutions, however: it signals the time for me to focus on and identify what I DON’T want for my life. Oftentimes we are so monopolized by our visions of the future, that we are blind to the simple past weighing us down. Case in point: you can’t possibly move forward on a healthy eating program with a giant donut strapped to your back. Say whad you talkin’ bout, Willis?? Well, that donut might be in the form of a “friend” using you to enable her own self-sabotaging behaviours: she coerces you with an endless supply of chocolate in her desk, daily frappes or “Tim’s” runs: just so she has a partner in crime. Kick her loose, and that donut rolls right along with her. She, however, is not the real issue; you might have to think about why that negative relationship holds power enough in your life to postpone your own needs.

The simple dissection of this stereotypical-and-all-too-common scenario is, that the you-of-yesterday didn’t see the “big deal” in having a friend that, sure, self-medicates with Reese’s Pieces (tossing you every other one)…. because she really needs you to listen to her online dating disasters… and about her cat’s insulin schedule… because you always know some insightful thing to say that she would never have thought of.  And, of course, you have full control of your own willpower: so agreeing to donuts is certainly not her fault… and certainly not a real reason to phase out a relationship!!?  Or is it? Willpower has nothing to do with anything; however, not eliminating failure-laden environments, eg. needy friends, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Are you meeting your own dysfunctional needs by being the eternally faithful friend at the cost of your own compounding goals?? Hmmmm…..

The complex dissection of this scenario is, rightly, complex. It might be insightful to figure that out some day (it’s probably your mother, lol!), but for now, just take some time to ask yourself some questions: give some contemplative thought to your thinking. The you-of-today is suddenly feeling the sneaky repercussions of not focusing on yourself, nor ensuring that you’d made conscious time to move your life forward. You’re feeling the rumblings of things that “ain’t workin for ya”, maybe manifesting as stress, depression, a job you hate, a series of bad relationships, stuckness… weight gain.  You need to eliminate the dead-weight to free yourself up for you. Recommend a mentor for donut-girl; and if you see true value in maintaining the relationship, plan a get-together the last Sunday of every month to catch up and offer up your worldly wisdom! You can make significant headway in your life without the mundane and pressure-invoking New Year’s goals simply by eliminating some of the simple past – and that can be very,very motivating!

“Give some contemplative thought to your thinking.”

Here’s some thoughts to start those wheels-a-turnin”. Read the list through first and see if any of them bring on any kind of visceral reaction, and if so, start there. If not, pick a few that you think may apply to your current circumstance.
I think the questions about “how am I being loving/unloving to myself” can really spur some self-awareness in their open-endedness!

List/affirmations adapted from Cheryl Richardson

  • What shall I now release from my life?
  • What or who no longer works for me?
  • What am I holding on to that holds me back?
  • What thoughts or beliefs belong to the old me?
  • How am I being unloving to myself?
  • What do I believe that really works for me?
  • Am I ready to let go?
  • What is going on in my life that is terrific and wonderful?
  • Where am I being very loving to myself?
  • Where am I most content?
  • What do I want to bring to my life?
  • How do I want the next year to be?
  • Who do I want to bring into my world?
  • How do I want to look?
  • What image do I want to project?
  • How healthy do I want to be?
  • How prosperous do I want to feel?
  • What kind of world do I want to live in?
  • Where do I want my spirituality to go?
  • How much love am I willing to experience?

Don’t forget also, to take time to acknowledge all of your positive growth and change in the last year. Literally making a list is an excellent exercise to remind you of the good things- because it’s all to easy to default to only seeing the negative.

And it might be useful to find some affirmations, such as:

> I am not limited by statistics, medical opinions, time or authorities.

> All good is available to me, right here and right now.

> I am one with the infinite wisdom and capabilities of the Universe itself.

> I understand that all thoughts are based on self-contrived relationships of information and memories, and that gives me power to know that they are not finite reality, and that I can change them at will to foster my desired feelings and actions.

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